Why should I be writing this? I'm not sure I should; probably just some random period of sadness that has transformed me into some kind of were-emo. Chances are that I will forget all about this page and ignore it until the admins just delete it from unuse. Which is probably just as well, it's probably the ultimate sign of patheticallity (I just made up that word) to have a journal (something private) an deliberately put it in a place where ANYONE can see it at a whim.
I love my family, but at the same time I hate them so much at the same time. My mother, a kind caring, godly, perscription-drug addicted, bipolar, short-fused bitch who criticizes everything and anything, and voices/blames it on anyone unlucky enough to be there when she goes off. She used to work as a criminal psychologist, now she refuses to work at all for all the problems that her bosses may have. She has had MS, Breast Cancer, a histerectomy, gaulstones, and a regenerative tumor on her spine. She now sleeps all day, constantly overdoses on her meds, and complains that I don't do enough. I help pay her bills, and buy her meds; I love her, and nearly want to kill her every day. She is possibly the most pathetic excuse for a person I have ever met.
My father cares too much. He empathizes with everyone he meets and cannot confront anyone. His dumbass boss hordes all the money he can while he lays off minimum wage assembly line workers that were in his employ for over 20 years. My fater has been in debt since marrying my mother, and at no time have I ever seen him proactively try to prevent problems beofre they begin. He sit by with a reassuring smile as things go to hell, then loads everything upon himself. Never blaming anyone, never angry, never changing. He has been planning on declaring bankruptcy for half a year now. Meanwhile I lend him money to pay his bills. Possibly the most horrible thing he has ever done, is that upon starting the bankruptcy he told me to get 1 or 2 credit cards "in case of emergency" shortly after he asked to borrow one and maxed it out at over $5000 and keeps it maxed out every month. He is the kindest man I have ever met, a hard worker, an understanding father, and lives only to provide for us.; and I want to scream at him till I crack a rib.
My brother is everything I am not. Tall, fit, blonde, popular, social, 2 inces taller and 4 years younger. He has been so strong his hole life, and I think my parents resent him for it. As the good child, I rolled over for everything, every single time. He always wanted to do things his way. And, for that, he was criticized and belitteled. Made to feel inferior to me, the pale, overweight, antisocial, suck-up. He says he dosen't resent me for it, but I can either see it in his eyes or make myself think I can. We don't talk much, and while I have one friend whom I hardley ever see, he has nearly a dozen; some of whom are over almost every day. Worst of all, a friend he considers to be more of a brother than I am. How pathetic am I, that my own brother can talk about his problems to someone he met in school and not somone who held him 10 minutes after he was born. He is also apathetic, uninsightful, and as stubborn as a fat cow in India. He never takes advice, never listens, and is constantly at odd with everyone else in the house. Not to say it isn't our fault, I remember once when I was accused af scratching the finish of an antique desk (of which I was guilty) I denied it. My fater then turned to my brother and began to admonish him for his "crime" when he denied doing it, my father became angry and began ti call him a liar, saying I would not do so. Seeing him crying I admitted my guilt, that was our childhood, only sometimes I didn't come clean. I wish so much that I could appologize, but he is so uncaring that he would claim it wouldn't matter. Like putting antibiotic on a scar, it wouldn't matter.
Everyone in this house hates eachother, and refuses to admit it. I have tried so much to make things right, but it runs so deep the well all would sooner hold onto it than make amends. Any real attempts would probably result in more hatred than before.
We are all so fucked.
