I want to love someone, and I want someone to love me; but I don't want love at all. What the hell? There are times when I get so lonely, that I just wish that I could lie down and die. I have not been religious for I don't know how long, but I was religious long enough before that to still fear hell and being sent there by suicide. The feeling of loneliness and Isolation keep getting bigger and I just want someone to give a FUCK about me. I know my parents and brother care about me, and my friends would miss me when I am gone, but there is something missing, some kind of closeness that I am missing.
I have never been a very attractive person, nor very sociable. The activities I like are usually sedentary and I despise large groups. Why not try and change? I have, EVERY SINGLE TIME I try to open up to someone, they avoid me after our first encounter. I never enven get to find out what I did wrong! Obviously there is something wrong with me that I have no clue about; fucking great.
When I sit down to think about relationships, I always come to the same conclusion, I don't want one. Yet I try. My parents, after 25+ years of marriage may get a divorce because they cannot stand each other anymore. All but one of my friends parents are divorced, one of them has a stepfather who forced him out of the house. My one friend whose parents are together are for religious reasons. Because of his fathers desire to not "make waves" he just stood bye while she ritualistically beat the shit out of their son (my friend) every night from age 5 to 15. At 16 he grew bigger than her and realized he could fight back.
My brother was emotionally shattered by his first girlfriend who strung him alone for over a year, making him feel inferior, sleeping around, and telling him it was all his fault. My brother is the most confident, emotionally stable person I know, yet he convinced himself that she was right because she was his first girlfriend. A year after he finally broke away from her, he met another girl whom he dated for 3 months before she broke up with him when he wouldn't convert to Catholicism. After that, there was aonther girl who forced him to get me to drive him across town in a blizzard because she felt like talking in person. She broke up with him after he refused to spend ALL of his free time with her. The most recent girlfriend has yet to mess with him, we shall see.
My Uncle let one of his daughters get hooked on heavymetal/gothic drug-abusing bullshit, now god knows where she is. His eldest daughter was going to work for the CIA but she fell in love with a drug addict and now live in a trailer working 3 jobs to support him out of a trailer in bumfuck nowhere.
My aunt married an abuseive cleptomaniac, 2 husbands, 4 individual mortgages, 2 bankruptcy claims and 3 estranged cildren later I have no fucking clue where she is.
The list jsut goes on and on and mother FUCKING ON!!! If life has shown me one goddamn thing it's that relationsips don't work. Why the hell do people do this to themselves? Everyone just ends up hating eachother and creating problems. It is all so fucking pointless, and yet the thing I don't understand is, knowing ALL this, I still want to have a relationship with someone. It's driving me insane. Most likely I'll just die a lonely virgin, like all those who played D&D instead of going to their junior prom, except I won't make millions from Computer Science Knoledge. I hate everything... Shit, I am EMO.
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